A Week of epiphanies.

When I first knew I would have a boy I was really scared, I don't know anything about boys, growing up with three sisters is all I know. And then when I found out I would have a second and third boy my fears continued. I thought to myself, what do I tell them about puberty? What do I tell them about scouts? about boy church activities? about girls? Even though I have had some fears and reservations I have come to love and appreciate their "boy ways". Each of my boys have their very own personalities and likes and I love that. James is my sensitive one, who is loving and kind. He is the first one to come to me when he senses I am having a bad day. He still to this day comes home and sits in my lap and tells me about his day. He is so smart and I have enjoyed watching him grow and become the sweet boy that he is today. He gets so excited over new things, he is curious and is always telling me of interesting facts that he hears and learns about. I love watching him sit down and read a book and be so enthralled in the book that he doesn't hear me when I call him. I love him interacting with his baby brother Tanner, who I know they were best friends up in heaven. When I look at my James my heart is so full of love for him, I wish he understood the love I have for him. When he was a baby he screamed for 4 months straight. I think because of that hard time him and I had, we are really close. My mom helped me a lot during that time and so he has a bond with her too that I love to see. I hope that will always stay.

My Austin, oh my Austin. He is my fun loving, crazy, sensitive, helpful, funny, kind, outgoing boy. When Austin was born we snuggled in the hospital for the first night and I knew this boy would change our life. He makes us laugh every day. He makes me tired, he fills my heart with laughter, he makes me melt every time he smiles or laughs at himself for making a joke. When I am having a hard day with James he is the first one to help me and make life easier for me. I love watching him draw pictures, he is an amazing little artist. He is so creative and I love that about him, (because he takes after me). He is always up for momma snuggles and to this day still snuggles the way he did in the hospital for the very first time, (right in the crick of my neck). I don't know what I would do without him.

My baby T. Is the light of our life. He is the first to make us smile when our day is hard. He is sweet, curious, smart, handsome and so lovable and squishy. Even though he has given me grey hairs with his sicknesses I'm so grateful he is in our life. He loves his brothers and always wants to be where they are. When his brothers are upstairs in their room, he will crawl to the bottom of the stairs and yell up at them until they come and talk to him and smile. That makes his day. My favorite part of the day is when we wait for Austin at the bus stop and when Tanner sees Austin jump off the bus and come running to him, he kicks his feet and legs, and smiles from ear to ear. He knows them both and loves them. And I love that.

My heart has changed so much for the boys in my life and I don't know what I would do without each one of them. I couldn't have survived having boys without my main man, Michael. He is like each one of our boys wrapped in to one person. He has all of the qualities that each of our boys have and it makes me smile. I'm grateful for him, he makes me calm, he makes me laugh, cry, he makes me want to be better each day. I told him this week, "You know, we have a really good relationship." He just laughed at me and said, Oh do we? We tell each other everything. There are so many couples that I know now that don't tell each other anything. I have to tell him things. He makes me feel better and know that life truly does go on beyond the trials, beyond the heart aches, beyond all of the horrible things you hear of.

This week I was in a car accident. It wasn't a really bad one, no one was hurt, but it was the first one I had been in with two of my boys in the car. It freaked me out for a day. I don't want that to ever happen again. This life is so short and I will never leave this life without telling and showing my boys how much I love them. They are truly my world, and each day goes by I can't believe they are in it. My baby Tanner will be 1 in a few months and I can't believe it. It really saddens me that he is growing so fast. I don't like it. I want him to stay small. I truly love my life I have no regrets and I won't leave this life without any regrets either. And that's all I have to say about that. :)