Missing Michael, and something is bugging me

Well, we made our final decision after having a couple second opinions of what Michael should do since the graft is not showing that the infection is in it. We decided to send him to the skilled nursing floor at St. Elizabeth hospital in Ft. Thomas, Ky. There he will have 3 more weeks of this evil drug of amphotericen b. I don't want him to do it but we have no other choice. We need to be safer than sorry and make sure that the infection is all the way out of his body. There is no way at all possible I could worry my way through another open heart surgery at this point. Last week when they told me initially they were going to have to take his heart graft out and replace it, meaning they would crack his sternum and stop his heart and put him on a bypass machine all over again. I went into shut down mode, I thought to myself and cried to myself there is no way. So I freaked, I cried and cried and cried. I even took the boys to Wal-Mart for an errand and thought, what am I doing going to Wal-Mart, how stupid is this. So I went home and cried some more. I spent a few days in thought trying to think and feel what it would be like without Michael. Now, I have done this numerous times. And I just continue to think, no way, I can't. How am I supposed to be the best person I can be without him, I just can't. So I got on my phone and texted his family and asked them to please do whatever they could to fast specifically that the yeast wouldn't be around his graft. Then I went on the computer and asked all of my friends and family to do the same thing and pray really hard. It was like a domino effect, I saw person after person saying that they would pray and fast for him. I even had the stake president thank me for putting it on Facebook so him and his counselors could fast for Michael. I prayed because that was all I could do. Sure enough the cardio surgeon came in to Michael's room and swore up and down that his gut was telling him that his graft wasn't infected. So he did another test and sure enough there was no fluid. I wanted so bad to cry and rejoice in knowing that another miracle took place for us to save Michael's life. But then I get a phone call from the infectious diseases doc saying that it didn't matter that the test said there was nothing around the graft, she still wanted to put him somewhere for 3 more weeks to torture him. (she didn't say that last part) It broke my heart. I haven't even come out to tell the boys, but they know. I can't live another minute without him, it's too hard. I want to be grateful and happy knowing that his life was given back to us, I don't want to be miserable and miss him terribly. But I do. I miss my best friend, I miss his big squishy hugs, I miss his crazy cackle laugh when he laughs at his own jokes, I miss him watching weird shows and him saying how cool they are. I miss his hands, they used to be big and rough. I miss him plopping tanner on his lap and the comfort feeling I get just watching him do it. I miss how he used to wrestle with the boys. I miss Austin snuggling with Michael while he read a book to him. I miss him telling the boys cute little stories, me wishing he would write them down. I miss the noise of his snore at night. I miss him asking me how my day was and me getting mad at him cause he was late getting home. I miss him telling me how his day was and the joy he got from making another person look great. I miss how things used to be. I wasn't prepared for all this. I'm supposed to start a new life and I can't even start it without Michael being here. I just want him home so I can be grateful for the time I still have with him. Tonight Austin was crying and throwing a huge fit over toothpaste. He was stomping around and carrying on. I just put my face in my hands, (the "I give up" sign.) He stopped stomping and sat down and cried and said, "I just miss my daddy." I then asked him if he wanted to call him and he said he did, so we did it on the computer so he could see Michael. He immediately calmed down and told Michael how much he missed snuggling with him, and then told him how he didn't want to sleep in his bed because he had nightmares. Michael calmly told him he would say a prayer for him. During the prayer he asked that Austin's nightmares would go away. After the prayer was over Austin lightened up, said goodnight and that he loved him and went upstairs. These boys need their daddy. My heart breaks tonight knowing that I can't give him to them yet. I don't know how I'm going to be able to do the next three weeks without him. Another thing has been bugging me today. Many people have come up to me and have said to me, "I don't know how you have been able to get through any of this." "I couldn't do it." This is the one and only thing that has bugged me. The reason why it bugs me is, you don't know how strong you are till you have to do it. In my life I have always worked extra hard for everything. I think that's why I have been able to handle the craziness of it all. This whole heart trauma has been just like a race you think will never end. When you think your body can't do it anymore, you find some more strength inside and you press on. You can do anything you tell your mind to do, even when you don't have a choice. I have amazing parents, and amazing siblings, and amazing friends, and amazing in laws. If you have that, you can do anything too. I just want to ask the people who say that to me, "Have you ever done something you thought you never could do?", "If you haven't, find out what it is and work harder than you have ever worked before, I promise you, you will do it."