A Normal Routine

Oh, how I long for a normal routine. I never thought I would miss my normal routine sooo bad. The small things that I do with the boys, finishing laundry, doing the dishes, having quiet time, watching a show with my hubby while he rubs my feet, listening to the boys tell me silly stories, my hubby coming home from work wrestling with the boys. I miss it. I know it sounds weird but I love the little life we have made for ourselves. I know this is my new "norm" but I'm not the biggest fan of it. We have doctors appointments, at least 3 a week, we have a occupational therapist who comes to our house 2 times a week, a physical therapist who comes 2 times a week, and a nurse who comes 2 times a week. I have to give Michael iv antibiotics 2-5 times a day and change the dressing in his infection wound twice a day and help him with his shower and getting up and down out of chairs and in the car. I love helping and serving Michael, I love taking care of him and the boys. The part that is the hardest for me is that there is no breath to take, no moment to sit back and be grateful. It is getting better. The more Michael does for himself the more progress I see and the more time I have freed up to enjoy with him. I find myself starting to complain and then I stop because I can't complain. How dare I complain! I have been blessed beyond what I can even comprehend. Blessed with a husband who cares for me, blessed with good insurance, blessed with amazing family and friends who care about me and my family, blessed with healthy boys, blessed with a little home, blessed with food and clothing, everything I need. I just need a chance to breath, a chance to reflect, a chance to enjoy, I know it will come but I long for it. Last night I did get a chance. My sister in law texted me to tell me she was going to take the boys for us. She came and got them and we went to eat dinner. It was a huge blessing and an answer to my prayers. We went to a thai food place and sat and talked. It felt like nothing had ever happened for just a moment. Even if it was just for a moment I loved every second of it. Every once in a while I will remember things about our crazy traumatic event and I will tell Michael, because he doesn't remember. I can see in his eyes how hard it is to hear about how hard it was for me and the boys. He doesn't like to be the center of the stress and anguish we felt. I just tell him that I know he would never in our life time do anything like that to me on purpose. And how much comfort I felt. I love having him home. I love his jokes, his hugs, his sarcastic comments, his kisses, his presence. Last night we drove by a cemetery, this might sound a little dramatic, but there were many moments where part of me thought I would have to be planning a funeral. The other part would comfort me and tell me that it wouldn't be Michael, not yet. I'm grateful every day that it isn't him. That he gets another chance. That I get to have him for a little bit longer. I know this life is short and I will do whatever I can do to enjoy it with my four boys. I know my new norm will be a little bit more enjoyable soon, until then my tired feet and body will not complain.