The Raw Truth

Throughout the last 7 months I have learned a lot of things. I have learned a lot more about people and how people can handle trauma and stress. Everyone handles it differently. Some cry, A LOT. Some WORK, WORK, WORK. Some ignore everyone around them. Some just get quiet and some just don't eat. From what other people have told me, I guess I handle it well. I thought I wasn't because I have felt so awful inside, but close friends and family have told me how well I have done, so I'll take it. Michael just got home last night from almost 5 1/2 weeks in the hospital for his 10th hospital stay in the last 7 months. People have come up to me really excited for me, and oh how I appreciate their excitement, but I have been sick. Images of the last 7 months have come into my head and have made my stomach churn. I know there are so many reasons why Michael has been saved, but I worry and protect myself from what "could be" or what "was" our reality. It all seems like everything happened so long ago, but it wasn't and it is still so surreal to me. A few weeks ago one of my close friends called me all happy, and cheerful. I was having a really bad day and was really really depressed and just felt like my world was never going to change. She asked me how I was and I just said, Oh I'm OK. (nonchalantly) She then asked me, Why whats the matter with you? I almost hung up on her. I thought, does she not realize what I have continued to watch, or what continues to happen? But then I quickly realized that she hasn't been here, she hasn't seen Michael, she doesn't know. I have tried to shield everyone else but close friends and family of all the details of what happened in the hospital. I do it because it was so personal to me and because some people can't handle the goriness of "hospital things". My brother in law, (Michael's brother) started taking pictures of Michael when he was here for the initial surgery. At first I was like, "Um maybe we shouldn't do this." But the longer time went on and the worse Michael got the happier I was to see the progress of what he overcame and how far we have come. It helps me now to look at the pictures and to see how close he was to death and how excellent he looks now. I have thought about it long and hard and I think for my own progression of my mental stability I think I will put a few of the non gory pictures on here to show the friends and family who didn't see the reality, so they can understand it more. I can't say enjoy because they aren't enjoyable, I can only say, just understand if I'm not myself for a while, you'll understand a little more that it's going to take me a little while to overcome all of the images that still replay in my mind and still keep me awake at night. The first image is after the first surgery. the second was when he was in the Medical ICU after his first cardiac arrest when he was in multiple organ failure, and the third was at the end of ICU right after his second surgery and second cardiac arrest.