A rough week

Since last Wednesday night I have been struggling a lot. I just want to crawl in my bed and imagine that this whole nightmare with Michael never happened. The images I see in my head make it really hard for me to grasp any type of end to the trauma. I think I have been crying two or three times a day since they had to open him up again. Whenever any body asks me How is Michael? I just want to ignore that they ever asked me the ? because ever day is like walking on egg shells, not knowing how Michael's body will respond to the treatments. I still appreciate people worrying about him and that they are sweet enough to ask but I just wish that I could be happy about every little positive progress that he is making, and tell people who ask me, he is doing great! The nurses and doctors reassure me that he is making a turn around and that he will come out of this. I believe them but then I leave the hospital paranoid that they are going to call me again with some major trauma. Yesterday a dear friend was watching the two younger boys while I went to the hospital. On the way home from the hospital I got angry, really angry. Angry with the doctors, nurses, Michael, everyone! I don't get angry like that very often, and so it felt awful. When I got to my friends house I let out the anger to her because I knew I could but when I left, I thought what is this doing, NOTHING! It is not making him better, it is not making ME feel better. When I got home Michael's cardio surgeon called me, because I had demanded to talk to him. When I answered the phone my anger went out the door. He was reassuring, kind, loving, and most of all compassionate. I asked him, "Honestly, do you think Michael will make it through all of this." He then answered me,"If I didn't think so, I wouldn't be working so hard." I prayed so hard last night, I prayed that I could see some of the progress and be happy about it. I went to the hospital tonight and I saw some of it, and left feeling good. I still worry, he has a fever, his blood pressure is low, he has a few more things we have to work out, but I left feeling better. One of my friends posted a quote by Elizabeth Smart on Facebook today and it described exactly how I have felt throughout this whole trauma until this last week where I struggled the most. The quote said: "Nobody is trial free, but we have a choice. We can choose to allow our experiences to hold us back, and to not allow us to become great or achieve greatness in this life. Or we can allow our experiences to push us forward, to make us grateful for every day we have and to be all the more thankful for those who are around us." I have been so blessed to be the recipient of so many miracles and blessings over the last 5 weeks. I have grown closer to my family, friends, and also Michael's family. I continue to be so overwhelmed with gratitude to so many people who we know and love us, that have been by our side the whole time. I will ever be indebted to their service to me and my family. I finally see the beginning of an end. Let's see what tomorrow will bring.