Just Let me Cry

This last Friday we got a phone call from Michael's infectious diseases doctor telling us that Michael's Cardio surgeon wanted to open Michael up again to take out his wires. It was like a stab to the heart when I heard that. I immediately thought, No, I don't think so. The more I thought about it the more I felt my fears taking over me. The fears of, this is never going to end, what if they open him and this will be the end?, what if, what if. I usually have a pretty easy time letting them go and moving on to the next thing. This time I couldn't do it. I tried and tried but felt myself fighting what my fears were telling me. This wasn't even a big surgery! It normally is out patient, come home same day. But I couldn't even believe that. I thought, with Michael, there is no way it will be same day. I cried and cried all weekend. Being in a household of all boys, no one knows what to do. They just come up to me and poke me, or kiss me, or lay their head on me. Once the tears came, they just wouldn't stop. I finally pulled myself together a little bit, enough to go to church on Sunday. I felt a little bit of comfort there but still fought with my emotions and feelings, and trauma all together. I just continued to think, I can't do any of this anymore. Then words came to my mind that my sister in law said to me. She said the Savior has already carried each and every one of the burdens Michael and I have endured. She then told me, let him carry some of it for you. I usually can do that with minor trials but couldn't do it with this one. I was done, I had done everything I normally think of to do in a trial. I prayed over the weekend to find out what I should do. Sunday night my dad, mom, and one of my moms friends came over. We had a really good conversation. Michael who has been so discouraged, usually doesn't talk very much when he is so at his end. After me venting, he piped up and told me that he had felt inspired that this surgery was the right thing to do to get us to the end. He and I cried a little and then both received blessings. When my parents left and when Michael finally opened up to me, I felt some of the burden being lifted. I started to feel comfort again. Even though we felt good about it we still had some anxiety. Monday came around and we continued to be blessed. Dear friends came over to help with our boys and with our house. We even had the infectious diseases doctor give us tons of encouragement. The closer the day got to Tuesday the better I felt. The more I let my fears go and trust that the Savior would help Michael carry this last burden, the better I felt. Tuesday came and a dear friend drove me to the hospital early. We did all the pre op and the doctor came in and said, Sorry but we aren't doing the surgery today, Michael's blood is too thin. He's on blood thinners so they have to be really careful. We felt a little discouraged but it didn't make our peace go away about doing the surgery. My friends continued to help and bless our family by offering to take the boys the next day, and also drive me up and stay with me so I wasn't alone. It was a great comfort. His surgery went really well. The doctor was very happy that we did it. He opened him up and found more puss pockets hiding in his wall cavity. Right when the surgery was over Michael looked better. The infection was killing him, slowly, again. They left the wound open and will put a special wound vac on it to heal it from the inside out. Today I feel really good, and really happy. Grateful for people that continue to bless our little family. Grateful for family and friends who continue to encourage me and Michael along. I'm grateful for the Savior and what he has carried for us. When we let our fears go and trust in him and the Lord, they pick up what is left hanging. I know that more now. I am a fighter, and I like to do things on my own, I'm independent. I have learned now that I can't be every moment of my life there are times where other people can help pick up some of that burden. I know that those people are inspired to help me. I know it sounds weird but I am grateful for this crazy journey. It has taught me so many things, I am a better person because of it. Michael and I won't let his heart trauma or lupus control our lives. I know Heavenly Father only gives us what we can handle. I know he knows we are at our end, and he won't leave us alone. When I know that and believe that, I feel peace. Michael won't ever be the same, he will only be better, and so will I.